Mid Summer Musings

A blog hop about being Enough with the ladies of Exhale Creativity

ENOUGH

is a  four letter word

(like F-E-A-R, like H-A-T-E)

that whispers my failings in my ear, lurking in the back of my stuffed-to-the brim-bedroom closet. 

She speaks about my hang ups, my neuroses, how I panic when the kids start fighting thinking I’ve failed them, the way I yelled at my kids this morning and the way I neglected my husband last week.

She lingers too long like the spider slowly crafting its web in a place she isn’t welcome.

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Enough is a five letter word

 (like G-R-A-C-E like M-E-R-C-Y)

that reminds me that strength is not my own, but comes from One who is greater.

She reveals herself in unexpected thank you flowers from a friend, in an extra bedtime hug from the kid who was full of accusation moments earlier, in the way he grabs my hand, giving me his presence, when anxiety has a momentary grip on me. 

She envelops me with the love of a Savior and the gift of the Word, who covers my shortcomings with the cross. 

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This summer has been riddled with insecurity and doubt. Between the day camps and one wickedly hot trip to 104 degree (and HUMID!) Texas, there are mostly mounds of laundry, a Mary Poppins bag of endless snacks, and accompanying them are too many moments alone with my thoughts.

Here’s what they say:

You should be making them read more this summer.

You should stop letting them eat chips for snacks.

You should stop sounding like a drill sergeant when you bark orders at them to clean up their messes.

You should do more for them to give them a more magical summer.

As a mostly stay at home mom, the routines and structures of the academic year are something I crave like a bad habit, and I have learned over the years which ones serve me and which ones don’t.

Summer has been wildly absent of them.

We made a chore chart that lasted three weeks and my best attempts at a daily work/create/rest rhythm have regularly been disrupted by countless sibling fights and spontaneous play dates with friends. The latter have been welcomed, the former have been exhausting. We’ve had an increase in name calling and a push back against House Rules. There’s been an unusually heavy amount of tears from all of us. And with my tears (stemming from the exhaustion of being needed by three different kids all day long) come the lies that I should be doing more. Silently thinking that they should have a mom who wants to build LEGOS and paint and build a racetrack across the living room floor all day long. That maybe if they read more in the morning I wouldn’t feel so much guilt for the Bluey marathon they insist upon every afternoon.

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I’m sitting in my room, the one with the air conditioned window unit on the hottest day of summer thus far, pining for fall. 

I want the apple orchards, and hayrides, and the smell of cinnamon pancakes wafting through the kitchen.

I want the three hours of uninterrupted time twice a week when all three boys are in school. 

I want the carpool line and weekly Bible study with other moms. 

If I’m not careful, my downfall is wishing away the uncomfortable seasons I am in, rather than doing my best to learn from them.  And though I know this very true fact about myself, each summer I struggle to embrace it.

I am (re)learning to accept: it’s okay that summer isn’t my favorite. I’ve spent too many hours trying to force myself to be a summer person and the inevitable guilt trip that follows brings an internal exhaustion of the soul. I find myself comparing our summer structure( or lack thereof) to those on the other end of tiny squares on a screen. Kids laughing (not fighting), eating snacks poolside(not chips), and building sandcastles on the beach somewhere. Some families love the spontaneity of summer. They love the late bedtimes and gathering around fire pits for those long summer evenings. If that is you, I am genuinely happy that we are currently in a season that brings you so much joy. 

For us, summer is a challenge.

We have some fun traditions. There’s usually one long anticipated vacation and a camping trip or two. There’s a few summer birthday celebrations, some visits to the splash pad and lots of trips to the snow cone truck and $1.50 ice cream shop. This year we’ve also had movie marathons and LEGO creations and playing at the park. We’ve had VBS and a day camp. We’ve done dress up days at karate class. And we are all looking forward to the start of August when my mom and aunt visit from out of state for my son’s birthday.

Last summer, we unexpectedly spent six weeks in and out of the hospital when my oldest got appendicitis and a subsequent infection. The end of July and start of August were riddled with hospital visits and medicine regimens and canceled plans. And even though I told myself my goal this summer was to keep it simple, I put so much pressure on myself to make up for last summer, wanting to schedule our days with activities and events we missed last year. But that hasn’t served us well.

The boys just want to be kids. They like sleeping in and watching an absurd amount of television they don’t usually get during the school year. They haven’t complained about being bored at home nearly as much as I anticipated. They love building LEGOs and showing me what they’ve created. They love getting popsicles before dinner and getting to stay up past their regularly scheduled bedtime.

And this year, instead of taking on undue guilt that I should be doing more for my kids, I am embracing this truth: what we have is enough. 

We are soaking up Vitamin D as much as we can before the long Colorado winter returns and tarries like it is known to do. We are embracing what it means to be together as a family even if it means we have to (re)learn to like each other sometimes. They miss their school friends and teachers. But my boys are creating and resting. They are getting a good ole fashioned summer of hose water and Otter Pops. 

And it is enough.

We’ve made memories road tripping from Colorado to Texas and back and I’m pleased to report that at least one of my kids now agrees that P.O.G. (passionfruit, orange, guava) is the best snow cone flavor. My kid’s are anticipating their end of summer camping trip with cousins and a visit from a grandma they only get to see a couple times a year.  

I am the only one comparing our summer to others and wishing we were doing more, scrolling and mumbling under my breath. I am the one, putting undo pressure on myself.

So to combat that unhealthy contagion of comparison, my current conscious summer practice is this:

I sit at my desk as the sun peaks up between the row of houses out of my bedroom window, sipping hot coffee, savoring every quiet minute before someone wakes up and demands breakfast and all of my attention.

I make a concerted effort to remind myself of the gospel truth: who I am as a mother is rooted in Jesus’ love for me. Not because I have some special ability to execute a truly memorable summer, but because my value isn’t determined by what I do, but in being known by God.

When I’m losing my patience, threatening to take coins out of piggy banks because of the incessant arguing between kids, He’s covering me in grace.

When I’m wallowing in a comparison game of my own doing, He’s reminding me of the gift of the people in these four walls.

Summer has a magic all its own without me having to force it. My kids aren’t comparing their vacation to others. They aren’t mad that we don’t have a pool membership. And much to my delight they haven’t yet complained that they are bored, despite a very empty calendar.

Yes, the daily noise level is exponentially higher especially since the four year old is still currently in a screaming phase and we are all home to hear it.

Yes, it means siblings are having to (re)learn how to be kind with each other more often.

But every season has its place and for me, a summer filled with togetherness is enough.

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This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in the series "Enough".